We Need To Fix It.

Lulu / 13 Mar, 2019

Linda, listen, honey. Today’s post might not be something you’re used to from me— mainly because this may be a quick one, but also because it will be quite a ranty one too. I know I tend to rant sometimes, so maybe that one isn’t too far off from what you’re used to, but this time I don’t think I have a positive spin on things, or much of a silver lining… there just exists a problem and we need to fix it. So here it is: International Women’s Day was just the other day, and you won’t believe the amount of positive energy and well-meaning and inspiring social media posts I saw online from women about women. People were all: may we know them, may we be them may we raise them and there was truly a sense of power, unity and womanhood in every statement. It was beautiful. But, I was looking at these posts with such fascination because just a few days before that, on that same social media, I saw so much of the opposite: women hating on women. And it kind of baffled me how in one moment we can be so fired up about standing and speaking up for one another, our achievements etc but in the next, turn around and with that same mouth tear each other down. As women, we advocate for progress, for equality, for breaking the glass ceilings, and yet, there seems to be a disconnect between actually doing that (standing up for women’s rights) and standing up for women. For me they are part of the same package. I don’t see how you can do one without the other. But it seems that we can do one when it suits us but behind closed doors or even sometimes in public when we aren’t called to be accountable for what we say, we simply just don’t support, encourage, lift up or speak up for one another. Instead, we compete, compare, undermine and undercut one another all the time. We view each other as the other, someone in our way, someone we can be so quick to tear down, laugh at, wish ill for, and it’s just not right.

You might be wondering where all this is coming from, and you don’t have to look too far to see what I’m talking about play out, because as women we are our own worst enemies, we judge each other on our relationship choices, our decision to work or not to work, our style, our weight, our parenting skills or our level of success, all of it, so it’s everywhere, and at an underlying level this is where it’s coming from, but more specifically my rant stems from Thompson Gate; the cheating scandal between Khloe Kardashian, Jodryn Woods and Tristan Third Trimester Thompson. I don’t know if you guys remember what social media was like because of all this drama. It was, a mess. Now, I know we don’t all care about this (or these people), frankly neither do I at this point and I also don’t really want to partake in the he/she should have or shouldn’t have debate because this is really between themselves and God, it’s truly none of our business. So this is not about that. This is more about the fact that the hate that these women have been getting over this has just been too much, and I feel like it has been misplaced and unnecessary. Despite Tristan being a major player (literally) in this game, it’s these women who have been both victim and villain in the story. And that confuses me.

But, a bit of background: Tristan (Khloe’s baby daddy) and Jordyn (Khloe’s sisters BFF) apparently had a bit of a run in where after some partying, alcohol drinking, hanging out till 7am in the morning (with a bunch of friends), a kiss was had. A kiss, that was allegedly planted on Jordyn by Tristan without her asking for or expecting it. A kiss that Jordyn also didn’t come forward to either Khloe or Kylie (Khloe’s sister) about once it happened. Like I said, I’m not going to go into too much detail, I’ve just given you the headlines to kind of lay out a picture for you on why I personally think the women in this story have been unfairly treated by each other and by us fellow women. To begin with because of the obvious connection between Khloe and Jordyn, everybody was #TeamKhloe and ergo Jordyn was trash. “How can she do that to Khloe, that’s basically her sister, she should have known better” etc. That was the narrative immediately off the bat. Social media was calling her a home wrecker, a slut, a snake.. you name it. Little was mentioned about Tristan Third Trimester Thompson, he kind of just escaped barely unscathed because he is a repeat offender; which in my view should make it worse not better, but anyway. That just means Jordyn, the woman, gets the hit. And it’s not even like men are the ones attacking her, it’s women. It’s women who are grown, learned, who know that they too are not perfect, that they too have made mistakes, and that they too were young once, who are pointing fingers, labelling and calling another woman awful things. There’s no empathy, or benefit of the doubt, or even an attitude of “girl, we don’t condone what you did, but we got you, we’ll show you the way, we’ll fix this” — á la Jada Picket Smith — it’s just straight up, hate. And for me that is where we missed the mark as women who are meant to lift each other up. Jordyn is a young woman, and if she was wrong she needed more help than anything. This is not to say that we as women can do no wrong in each others eyes and we shouldn’t be called out, no, we must absolutely be called out, that is where the shaping of ourselves can come from, but we can constrictively call people out on their BS without being mean about it, especially if she is one of your own, and she is. Jordyn is one of ours. But anyway…

Then comes Khloe; after Jordyn did the Red Table Talk, it was her who became trash, and quickly. The tea didn’t even get cold before the tables had turned. Now, I’m happy that Jordyn got the chance to share her side of things because no matter how thinly you slice the bread there’s always two sides, and we until that point hadn’t been given a chance to hear hers. But the more that came out about the drama, the more it became an either or situation, Khloe vs. Jordyn; and I feel like we didn’t, as women watching these girls personal lives play out in the media like that, need to make it about that. When it comes to Khloe so much was now being said about her past relationships, about her entire family as a whole, that she was an idiot etc, and I really don’t see how constructive that is. It seems like it was more, let me kick this woman when she’s already down, instead of let me help this woman back up. I personally wouldn’t like to be that woman going through something so heartbreaking and have people tell me it’s my fault, or I’m stupid etc. And now this was suddenly the narrative, Khloe is trash, she basically deserved what she got because she is stupid.

Cardi B, said it best when she said:

…. and that’s my issue. We women do that, we are so quick to laugh at each other, fault each other, destroy each other but also at the same time we are feminists who stand up for and empower women. How? I don’t know what it’s about and I believe there are levels to this that stem decades, but when I was talking about this with a friend, she said she thinks that our problem is just all round insecurity. That we are so afraid that because we already have to fight against men our insecurity drives us not to support each other because it’s hard to trust or essentially support someone who wants the same thing as us. It makes you wonder if the reason people are so quick to hate is because they find comfort in knowing someone else’s life is just as crappy as theirs. But regardless I still can’t find any reason why what another woman is going through whether directly or indirectly related to us or even whether it has no relation to us at all will cause us to just hate on them so much. In Khloe’s instance, I admit she kind of landed herself in that one when she said Jordyn was the reason her family broke up. After Jordyn’s interview, Khloe took to Twitter to air out some of her feelings; that being one of them. And sigh, nobody, especially not black Twitter, was going to let her get away with that one. It honestly didn’t make sense how a grown woman could call out a child for breaking her family up, as if first of all, she doesn’t know who her man is and secondly she doesn’t know how this works. First lesson in relationship 101 teaches you that people are not taken from people. No one can ever be stolen, and no one can make you do anything you don’t already want to do. So Khloe at her big age should have known that there is no world where a woman could single handedly breakup someones family. Can she maybe have a role to play in the demise of someones relationship, yes, but can she breakup a family? No. Because with whose consent did she do that? But also none of this in this instance even has to be explained because: Tristan. He is where all the attention should lie. We all know who he is and has been, and that if it wasn’t Jordyn it would have been someone else. That should have been the conversation, and these women should have been left out of it. The public dragging of these women shouldn’t have been entertainment.

Earlier I mentioned that just as we have unfairly treated these women because of the drama, both Khloe and Jordyn unfairly treated each other too. This isn’t a big part of the story but I’ll mention it because to a degree it plays it’s part. Khloe did so through her statement. I’m not saying she should be praising Jordyn, far from it, the girl hurt her and that cannot be refused. Anyone in her situation would be hurt, and hurt by Jordyn. However, to blame her for what her man did, that’s literally her blaming the woman for something the man was responsible for. And that’s where the unfairness comes in, we women always fault the woman in whatever situation, whether it’s in a cheating scandal like this one, or even if it’s actually something to be given praise for, we always find a reason that the woman doesn’t deserve it and/or is wrong, and this perpetuates the cultural bias that we simultaneously want to change. We talk of women empowerment, equality etc but we don’t do anything within our own camp to promote that whether big or small. So in my view, Khloe was wrong for that one. No woman should be blamed for what a man is responsible for. Next, Jordyn. Because of the close relationship between her and Khloe, a lot of people would say that there is an unspoken set of rules that exist between women, especially if you share a close bond. The girl code. Whether or not Jordyn had a part to play in what happened, girl code would say she should have a) found Tristan’s behaviour disgusting and b) said something about it. And here is where I believe Jordyn was wrong, simply in terms of women supporting other women she had a responsibility to her friend. She can’t witness some mess and then throw her hands up and say oh well, “I don’t want your situation” — in my view, that was wrong.

But regardless of what they did to each other, the main thing I’m here to rant about is our response as women to them, and this is what we need to fix. Our response to women as women. And not just in this type of situation, I only used this as an example, but in all situations. Whether we are up for promotion, struggling as a mother, making mistakes professionally, navigating relationship waters — whatever it is. We can’t expect men and society to treat us in certain ways, yet we can’t do the same for each other. This is obviously not all of us, but it’s a lot of us, and I think that we as women need to do better and encourage each other to do better in really just supporting one another. Equality between men and women is the ultimate goal, but let’s start at home.

3 thoughts on “We Need To Fix It.

  1. Absolutely absolutely absolutely. So well said Lulu. I hope your readers are hearing this; and believing most are in your age range where change is yet within reach, i trust this will resonate. I have sadly reached an age where experience has proved me wrong time and again where these matters are concerned. But hope remains a lifelong virtue, especially placed in yours and future generations.

    1. Thanks Ma!… Yeah these things really are up to us (the younger and future generations) to try and make the difference. It really is such an important thing that we are not taking advantage of, and it’s sad that we just cannot get it right. But I believe we can, we just have to see the power in it.

  2. Wow. Thank you for this post ,Lu. It truly is such a shame that women still have a long way to go in terms of walking the talk and actually supporting each other. Like you said , there’s always two sides to a situation and there’s always an alternative response to the mean one. Always. The choice is ours as to whether to choose the positive response and I hope that individually and collectively we develop that culture and break the narrative that we have created ourselves that women live to tear each other down.

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